I've discovered that it's when you're sitting alone at twilight that you find out who you really are.
Somehow by the light of day your thoughts are different. With the sun comes clarity, vision, and purpose. With the moon comes panic, chaos, and deviance. And with me, twilight opens the dam and my thoughts spill out and mingle like a massive stew of nostalgia and unrealized dreams - with a hefty helping of fear dumped in when the vapors reach a crescendo.
I've had plenty of these so-called "shadow times" to reflect and dwell in all that is me since I moved into the new place. It's not pretty. In fact, it's downright depressing. I know I've talked about this before but who knew it would be so difficult for me. I actually look forward to the weekdays, when I can go to work and avoid being alone with myself. It gives me some semblance of structure and responsibility, whereas I could be at home staring at the wall. You all know I have plenty of things to do, but I lack the discipline to do them. I have nobody to answer to. And it's not like I need someone to crack the whip, but I need someone there (physically) to care. I care, but only after it's gotten too far gone for me to take.
This brings me to something I had an inkling about before, but I didn't want to admit. I'm co-dependent. There, I said it. Now, I don't believe my relationships are one-sided like they say in their definitions, but I am addicted to being in a relationship. I'm not sure why. Could my parents long marriage have the adverse effect and negatively inspire me to ALWAYS want to be included in a partnership? I'm not sure. Or could it be that I have trouble establishing platonic relationships with people? I have friends, but not deep, meaningful ones. My best friend in Rhode Island is the only long-term friend I've had and I would do anything for her. She's in Rhode Island though! My partners' have always been my best friends as well. Again, I could go on and on all day about this.
So we've established that I'm lazy and co-dependent. I'm also a control freak. I already new this, but it likes to lay dormant until something catastrophic happens. Something out of my control, go figure. Instead of freaking out, I withdraw from life and need time to figure out how to get that control back. I tend to lash out verbally, too, especially with people I care about.
There's more I need to say, yet I need a break. It took me most of the day just to get this out and I have a chapter to revise. At least I have that to go on. Maybe there will be more tomorrow. Wish me luck.
Quote of the Day: I'd rather be caught holding up a bank than stealing so much as a two-word phrase from another writer. ~Jack Smith
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Hang in there, kiddo. Nobody likes to be alone. That doesn't necessarily make you co-dependent. And you are bound to have some blue feelings after coming off a steady relationship. But it's no good being in a relationship just for the sake of being with someone, anyone.
Just take your time, decide what you want to do and then figure out the steps you need to take to get to where you want to be. I know this is a lot easier said than done. But, sadly, nothing gets better just by wishing for it (oh, how I really wish that were true myself).
As for socializing, why not kill two birds with one stone and try reaching out to some of the people in your local RWA? Maybe you could set up 'writing dates' where you meet at a coffee shop or someplace and write and bounce ideas around. I am trying to get that going with my own rwa group. I'm hoping it will help with accountability. Or maybe you and Shae could get together for some writing sessions once in a while. (I'll bet she'd bring some cookies!) And, of course, the two of you could talk about how much it sucks that I'm too far away to join you. :)
And as for what I've seen of your work so far, you are doing great!!!! You just need, as you said, scheduling discipline. Sister, I am so with you on that one!!! I don't know why it is so hard to stick to a writing schedule. But we can't give up. Every day is the new day we are going to start getting better about that. One day it will stick!
So, again, just hang in there. I may not be there in person, but I am so with you in spirit. You are strong and you will come out on top. Don't ever forget that.
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