The Pursuits of Happiness

I know it’s the middle of November and not only did I miss out on NaNoWriMo, but I’ve had a hard time focusing on anything in the writing realm. I’m trying to bust out of that funk with my blogging and then slowly moving back into my novel. Thus, the current goal is to just write. Something. Everyday. Whether it be journaling, longer emails, blogs, exercises, or novel revisions, something will be done everyday.

I have been reading. I’m racing to finish New Moon before the movie comes out on the 20th. I’m not enjoying the second book as much as the first one, but it’s still entertaining and I do plan to finish the series. In addition to my other books in progress listed on the right, I also picked up Ragtime by E.L. Doctorow. I’ve been trying to keep up with the Las Vegas Weekly because its fairly liberal compared to the local community newspaper and it reports on not just the most popular stories but the more obscure ones as well. And the writing is great - witty, sarcastic, honest and thorough. So, E.L. Doctorow, an award winning novelist, spoke at the Clark County library last Sunday and though I didn’t make it to the lecture, I loved what the LVW wrote about him and thought I would check out his work. Ragtime seemed unique and it won an amazing award (award here). I’m not big on mainstream fiction, but this piece borders on historical fiction with a bit of fantasy thrown in. Doctorow’s imagery is beautiful…and sometimes painfully frank. Every once in a while it’s nice to branch out into the literary world.

I’ve also been doing some major soul searching. In particular, I’ve been looking into what I’d like to do with my life career-wise. Now, I’m not one to base my worth or define myself by what society terms a “career”…BUT, I would like a steady paycheck and my writing isn’t bringing in any sound income. Honestly, I don’t want my writing to be about *income* per se. I mean, I wouldn’t mind if writing made me vast amounts of money, but I would be just as pleased if it only brought in a few dollars. The writing makes ME happy and that’s what’s most important. Work wise there are a ton of other things that I’d like to learn/do before I move on from this life. The key here is learn. I love school. And I’ve been to many, just to see what I like and what I can gain from the experience. I’m thinking its time to go back..for good. I have my degree in history and I’d like to get my Masters in history as well. And who knows, maybe even my Doctorate. I thrive on research and I don’t think I’d be a horrible teacher either. It would also help me greatly with my writing. Especially since I have thousands of ideas for historical romances. And how horrible would it be to have to study abroad for a few weeks? As for what I’d like to study specifically, definitely European history. My undergraduate degree was in a concentration in Medieval studies, but I’m ready for something different. I’m really interested in British history during the Regency period. All of that era fascinates me and I’d love to become an expert on such a rich and complex time in our history. Fall registration at UNLV is already closed, but I’m gearing up for next fall if everything goes as planned. I’d need letters of recommendation (it’s so nice to have a former instructor as an ex :-P), writing samples, statement of intent, and an application and fee. Luckily, no GRE is needed for a Masters. It will take some work, but I’m excited about getting back into improving my mind.

Next on the list, improving the body.

The Fall Into Winter

One of my favorite months is already over and I feel incredibly behind with…everything! October was such a whirlwind that my heart just couldn’t take it and I decided to go to the doctor and get it checked out. Nothing major, or so I hope, just strange heart palpitations. They’re taking it seriously, nonetheless, and are doing a full range of tests. They took blood and urine and who knows what else when I wasn’t paying attention. My EKG came up normal so they fit me with a 24 hour monitor on Monday and I took an Echo and Stress and dye test on Wednesday. I’ll keep you all posted of what becomes of that.

Thus begins a new chapter in my life. Aging. Getting old. Heading down the perverbial hill towards death. Morbid, I know. As the bumper sticker says…I’m not Goth, I’m just prepared. Sigh. And I finally got myself to two other doctors that I had been needing to see as well. The eye doctor was first. On my insurance plan we get a free annual exam and since I’ve never been to the eye doctor..ever..I figured I would use my health benefits while I can. I hadn’t noticed much of a decline, if any, in my eyesight except for some blurriness at night around the bright neon lights of Vegas. The doctor said my eyes are perfectly healthy but I have a slight astigmatism in the right eye and nearsightedness in the left. Together my eyes naturally correct themselves, but she gave me a light prescription for the times I’d like to see in HD, rather than normal J It’s a milestone in my life considering all of my family have worn glasses for most of their lives. My body parts are beginning to wear out. Ugh. The bright side of the situation is that I now have an excuse to get some naughty librarian spectacles.

The other doctor I finally bit the bullet on was the gynecologist. It’s amazing I found a female doctor AND one that was taking new patients on my insurance plan. Long ago when I called around it seemed no one was taking anyone new, but then I’m guessing the recession is affecting everyone..even doctors! The exam went quickly and they did blood work for all STDs. I’m proud to say I’m healthy and STD-free AND now on birth control pills again after almost 10 years!

Ah yes, birth control. I was actually rather excited about going back on the pill seeing that when I first started it back when I was 16 it helped regulate my periods and got rid of my debilitating cramps. I had since pretty much grown out of those kinds of problems, but I was looking forward to being more consistent and have basically non-existent cramps. I didn’t expect what ended up happening… The first seven days (or the first phase of the tri-phase pills) I was an emotional wreck. I was moody to a fault, going from happy to sad to angry in a matter of minutes. The sadness was the worst. Most of the time I felt depressed and ready to burst into tears (which I’m ashamed to say…I did) and for no major reason! Mornings and evenings were the most turbulent, when my mind would just start spinning and coming up with a wild array of things to get upset about. And now as I think back, I feel silly. Luckily, I had some inkling as to WHY I was feeling so miserable, even when I was feeling it, so I would just let it go, ride it out and know it would pass eventually. I felt for Mark, who had to deal with it that intimately, and so soon into our relationship, but as usual for him, he was incredibly supportive. He mentioned how out of it I was and how I didn’t seem myself at all. I would get really quiet and zone out. As soon as the second phase pills came into play I seemed to even out. I’m hoping my body gets used to the hormones for the next round coming up here soon. If not, I’ll have to look into a different type of pills. I would hate to feel like that every month.

The beginning of the month was rather exciting because it was Mark’s birthday. The big FOUR OH! and it just so happened that my parents were going to be in Vegas for the Senior Games that weekend. Mark’s birthday was the 2nd and it fell on a Friday. Weeks before I knew I wanted to make it special, considering I like him…a lot J I had a bouquet of the most gothic flowers I could find (a combination of blood red roses with a black sheen on the petals and faint creamy pink roses, burgundy foliage and other dark greenery) sent to his work because he mentioned he liked flowers AND I wanted to embarrass him in front of his colleagues, like a good girlfriend should. He was harassed by the best of ‘em, and for the evening, I planned to give him his gifts and then take him to dinner at my favorite sushi restaurant. It was a wonderful night and a great weekend. He told me it was one of the best birthday weekends he’s had in a long time. That made me all warm and fuzzy inside. What can I say? I love to see him smile.

Dinner with the parents happened on that Sunday. I had no worries about Mark not impressing them, considering they’re fairly easy to please (ha ha) and are mostly concerned with my happiness. And I know that he can hold his own in most situations, being an intelligent, confident and worldly man. We all chatted effortlessly and the Cheesecake Factory provided some amazing food. My Dad commented as we parted ways that he and my Mom liked Mark, so I figured it was a successful evening.

Since then we’ve spent a lot of time together and have settled into a nice, electrifyingly sweet groove. You’ve already heard about Naked Fridays, but we’ve created a few other special days. I’ll refrain from going into those out of respect for imagination. What’s really awesome is when Mark decides to change it up and throw something different into the mix. Just because. That kind of romantic quirk could most definitely define him as a “keeper”…

But our relationship isn’t just comprised of the erotic. I mean, we also go out to the movies, eat fast food, watch reality television (like Tool Academy and Say Yes to the Dress to name a few) and even go to fabulous Vegas events like the quarterly Gun Show. Yes, Mark got me tickets to the Gun Show. And yes, he kissed his biceps when he said it. :-D As a fairly staunch liberal, this isn’t normally my event of choice, but my curiosity frequently gets the better of me, especially when I think of the photo ops and story ideas that could come of it. Mark grew up with guns in Oklahoma and still enjoys shooting a round at the range for sport. Men seem to be drawn to blowing shit up and destroying things in the name of sport and science. Me, I can safely say: not a fan. I understand the need for guns but have a hard time getting past the devastating power a gun has. I’ve shot one before and instead of giving me the adrenaline rush many say they get from it, I only got more afraid. With each squeeze of the trigger I braced myself with eyes nearly closed for the massive kickback and the knowledge that what I just did could obliterate a human being in one flesh-ripping second. Yeah, I’ll pass. But the show was…interesting. Various booths were set up with guns and gun paraphernalia for sale, but what shocked me were the booths for a random array of items: antiques, other weapons, glass-blown figurines, used books, jewelry and novelty clothing. I’m guessing gun enthusiasts bring along their wives and such, so why not cater to them, too. I could have done without the rebel flags, lack of deodorant, and Obama bashing literature, but the guy with the parrot on his shoulder made it worth it. And the characters there - from the young wannabe gangster to the diehard survivalist were entertainment enough. I did feel like a badass in my Harley boots and rockabilly t-shirt when I picked up a gun and did my best Dirty Harry impression. Mark threatens to take me out on the range one of these days. We’ll see.

For Halloween, Mark and I hoped to make it to the Fetish and Fantasy Ball, held at the Hard Rock Hotel, but the Day of the Dead crept up on us so fast we were left unprepared. We plan to order some exotic/Goth outfits from an online store that specializes in the more macabre. It takes a few weeks because it is done in China and per individual measurement. Next year for sure. This year we spent some time at the Town Center Mall and accidentally ended up in the center of a huge trick or treating event…for kids. Adults were dressed up as well, but most were with their children and or dogs. We sat on a bench and just took in all the costumes. Some unique, some cheesy, some cute, some beyond inappropriate. Would you go as a hooker if you had two young children with you? Well this IS Vegas, maybe she wasn’t in costume. We ended up staying for quite a while and brainstormed what cool costumes we might try next year or in the future.

So now it’s almost Friday and I’m at work. I’m blogging at work. That should tell you how slow it is. Matter of fact they laid off my co-worker, Michele, but by the grace of some spastic time-continuum, someone up in accounting happened to be leaving for greener pastures in California. Michele was able to snap up that job before anything catastrophic happened. I’m gonna miss Michele down with Kim and I in our hole off of the warehouse, but like we had much choice. The economy is killing the casino industry and Stations is taking a serious hit all over the board. I’m just glad Michele will only be a couple flights of stairs away. It’ll get me in shape. I just hope the work environment has improved since she last came down as a refugee. But then everyone wants to work with Kim and I. We’re a blast and we don’t buy into that gossipy bullcrap…most of the time.

Anyway, I think it’s time to end this entry. Next time I’ll go into my reading and writing pursuits, along with what else I have in store for myself.

naked friday

Enter Mark: Las Vegas City Planner extraordinaire, intelligence laden, hot as a rock star in leather pants, wit up the wazoo, wild hair on the long-ish side, a heart of gold, puppy dog eyes, and 6 foot 2 inches of bonafide, sinew-packed man with a penchant for using *product* in his hair and Monty Python references... Can we all say yum?

Any more gushing and I might make myself sick..and we can't have that after his inaugural appearance on my blog.... ;-)

With a new man in my life comes the emergence of new traditions. Our first being Naked Friday.

Naked Friday's really are quite simple. Once done with all forays into the public domain for the day...disrobe. Completely and preferably with total abandon. Rinse and repeat. Then go about your business as described for the rest of said Friday and maybe even into Saturday. You can do this alone, if need be, but it is much better with another and hopefully someone you'd enjoy seeing nude. Touching in this state is encouraged yet up to each individual and not necessary. Just remember not to perform certain tasks that emphasize the reasons we aren't naked most of the time. These include...sanding floors, opening pickle jars, coughing, and bicycle maintenance...

All joking aside, Naked Friday's are first and foremost...intimate. And well, we all crave intimacy in a variety of forms. Because while it can be incredibly sexy and sensual, nudity is also awkward, unusual, and sobering. We're forced to surrender to our hang-ups or dwell in them. All of our so-called *flaws* are on display for the other to see and we must figure out how to handle them. Since everyone is different when it comes to dealing with such raw and pure feelings, it's inevitably a learning experience for all parties involved. Being so open has eased many fears that I've had in the past and I'm honored to be able to share such an experience with Mark.

Go ahead people....try it!

TGINF, Baby!!

a new day

September already? Where has the time gone... Just yesterday I was whining about this and that, then moving on toward new ideas and new endeavors. Life never ceases to amaze me with its twists and turns and ups and downs, like that of a novel you can't put down and you never want to end. And so it continues....

I did end up picking my friends' brains about my business idea and everyone has been helpful and supportive in all aspects. I'm not going to give up on it yet. It may need tweaking and a little time (and money) to get into the works, but its still a viable thought that grows and morphs with each day. I'll let you all know as it progresses..

In the beginning of August I went to visit my bestest friend in the whole wide world, Ariana, in Newport, Rhode Island. I stayed with her and her boyfriend Alan at their home off the Point District. I went last year and it was a whirlwind trip, but this year it was much more laid back and relaxing. Nothing like a vacation to help rejuvenate the soul, right? And that's exactly what it did. I fell right into step once I got there. I initially thought I'd have trouble adjusting to the non-working schedule, but...um....no. I was able to sleep in, watch cable, enjoy the moisture in the air and the lovely color green that I miss so much living here in the desert. And along with the foliage came the history and the architecture of old. It all makes me want to breath deeply again. I was able to take a couple more tours of the mansions, photograph cemeteries, and hang out in bars where everybody new my name. Okay, so everyone didn't know my name, but when the bouncers and the wait staff remember you, it gives you a warm and fuzzy feeling. We also caught a concert and a couple comedy shows at the Yachting Center, which is a great, intimate venue right on the wharf. Newport is surreal and I was beyond glad to get to spend almost two weeks there enjoying it and the company of Ariana and Alan and all the other good people that made my visit special. Upon returning I expected more of a let down, but the trip seemed to rev me up and give me somewhat of a new lease on life. I took stock of things and regrouped...

Recently, I've been reminded by a certain special someone and, of course, nudged by the incessant clock that ticks away in my head, about my goals posted earlier this year. I like goals. I make a lot of them. It seems to give an idea more immediacy, more focus and more permanence. And well, if I have say....18 goals and roughly only half get accomplished I feel successful in that accomplishment. Because if I had only one and didn't accomplish it, I'd feel like a failure. I went back and read through them again. Some I had completely forgotten, others had fallen by the wayside for various reasons, a couple need to be re-evaluated and the rest are done!

As for the writing, I may not have kept up with the incredibly demanding schedule I imposed upon myself, but I'm still moving forward and trudging along. My main book is still fresh and alive, in revisions. It's taking much more time and effort than I imagined. It hasn't made me love writing any less or dampened my spirit though. If anything it has strengthened my respect for the craft and for the authors out there that are creating and getting their stories out there. It's a fascinating and wildly difficult process, but I learn more and more with each step and I'm confident in my ability. We'll see how long that lasts! ;-)

I'm wondering if I should do NaNoWriMo this year. I'd love to get back into the groove of writing every day in that manic form, but I fear it may detract from my revisions. I'll have to think about it.

I'll leave it at that for now....the muse will be back soon, I'm sure.

Quote of the Day: An incurable itch for scribbling takes possession of many, and grows inveterate in their insane breasts. ~Juvenal, Satires

on the horizon

I realize that my last blog may have been a tad melancholy and dramatic....No regrets though. Thank you to all my blog followers and friends who gave me their well wishes and words of wisdom and courage. You are the reason I bounce back from these moods so quickly! :-)

In my quest to keep myself thoroughly ensconced in all that is calm and bright, I have tried to surround myself with people who I admire and who make me feel...at peace. My circle of friends are a wild and wooly bunch who have a myriad of talents and skills. When searching for what I want to do in life, I often turn to them for advice and encouragement.

Lately, as I work on the revisions of my novel (I'm up to Chapter 5 and running) and work on my financial health (cough cough), I've come across the prospect of starting my own business. This comes from a slew of directions and inspirations, mostly that of friends embarking on their own business journeys (Shae in baking and Chris in a top secret web business) and from my hope in doing something that doesn't tie me down to one specific place, making me enough money to live comfortably and write my novels.

In the excitement of my idea stage, I did some serious research and am pleasantly surprised at what I found. My idea is definitely not new, but my take on it is....different. I can't go into detail quite yet, but know that I may have something here. And once I get this nailed down better in business plan form (you all know how much I love research and reports :::big smile::) I'll be looking to my friends and calling upon said talents and skills to help me make this dream a reality.

Look forward to me picking your brains....

Quote of the Day: If I don't write to empty my mind, I go mad. ~Lord Byron

finding myself

I've discovered that it's when you're sitting alone at twilight that you find out who you really are.

Somehow by the light of day your thoughts are different. With the sun comes clarity, vision, and purpose. With the moon comes panic, chaos, and deviance. And with me, twilight opens the dam and my thoughts spill out and mingle like a massive stew of nostalgia and unrealized dreams - with a hefty helping of fear dumped in when the vapors reach a crescendo.

I've had plenty of these so-called "shadow times" to reflect and dwell in all that is me since I moved into the new place. It's not pretty. In fact, it's downright depressing. I know I've talked about this before but who knew it would be so difficult for me. I actually look forward to the weekdays, when I can go to work and avoid being alone with myself. It gives me some semblance of structure and responsibility, whereas I could be at home staring at the wall. You all know I have plenty of things to do, but I lack the discipline to do them. I have nobody to answer to. And it's not like I need someone to crack the whip, but I need someone there (physically) to care. I care, but only after it's gotten too far gone for me to take.

This brings me to something I had an inkling about before, but I didn't want to admit. I'm co-dependent. There, I said it. Now, I don't believe my relationships are one-sided like they say in their definitions, but I am addicted to being in a relationship. I'm not sure why. Could my parents long marriage have the adverse effect and negatively inspire me to ALWAYS want to be included in a partnership? I'm not sure. Or could it be that I have trouble establishing platonic relationships with people? I have friends, but not deep, meaningful ones. My best friend in Rhode Island is the only long-term friend I've had and I would do anything for her. She's in Rhode Island though! My partners' have always been my best friends as well. Again, I could go on and on all day about this.

So we've established that I'm lazy and co-dependent. I'm also a control freak. I already new this, but it likes to lay dormant until something catastrophic happens. Something out of my control, go figure. Instead of freaking out, I withdraw from life and need time to figure out how to get that control back. I tend to lash out verbally, too, especially with people I care about.

There's more I need to say, yet I need a break. It took me most of the day just to get this out and I have a chapter to revise. At least I have that to go on. Maybe there will be more tomorrow. Wish me luck.

Quote of the Day: I'd rather be caught holding up a bank than stealing so much as a two-word phrase from another writer. ~Jack Smith

when in doubt

post a video...

Since I'm incredibly overwhelmed with everything that is going on in my life right now and because I'm just in one of those moods, here's a treat. My favorite emo/goth rocker.

I miss Adam.



Quote of the Day: The ablest writer is only a gardener first, and then a cook: his tasks are, carefully to select and cultivate his strongest and most nutritive thoughts; and when they are ripe, to dress them, wholesomely, and yet so that they may have a relish. ~Augustus William Hare and Julius Charles Hare, Guesses at Truth, by Two Brothers, 1827