finding myself

I've discovered that it's when you're sitting alone at twilight that you find out who you really are.

Somehow by the light of day your thoughts are different. With the sun comes clarity, vision, and purpose. With the moon comes panic, chaos, and deviance. And with me, twilight opens the dam and my thoughts spill out and mingle like a massive stew of nostalgia and unrealized dreams - with a hefty helping of fear dumped in when the vapors reach a crescendo.

I've had plenty of these so-called "shadow times" to reflect and dwell in all that is me since I moved into the new place. It's not pretty. In fact, it's downright depressing. I know I've talked about this before but who knew it would be so difficult for me. I actually look forward to the weekdays, when I can go to work and avoid being alone with myself. It gives me some semblance of structure and responsibility, whereas I could be at home staring at the wall. You all know I have plenty of things to do, but I lack the discipline to do them. I have nobody to answer to. And it's not like I need someone to crack the whip, but I need someone there (physically) to care. I care, but only after it's gotten too far gone for me to take.

This brings me to something I had an inkling about before, but I didn't want to admit. I'm co-dependent. There, I said it. Now, I don't believe my relationships are one-sided like they say in their definitions, but I am addicted to being in a relationship. I'm not sure why. Could my parents long marriage have the adverse effect and negatively inspire me to ALWAYS want to be included in a partnership? I'm not sure. Or could it be that I have trouble establishing platonic relationships with people? I have friends, but not deep, meaningful ones. My best friend in Rhode Island is the only long-term friend I've had and I would do anything for her. She's in Rhode Island though! My partners' have always been my best friends as well. Again, I could go on and on all day about this.

So we've established that I'm lazy and co-dependent. I'm also a control freak. I already new this, but it likes to lay dormant until something catastrophic happens. Something out of my control, go figure. Instead of freaking out, I withdraw from life and need time to figure out how to get that control back. I tend to lash out verbally, too, especially with people I care about.

There's more I need to say, yet I need a break. It took me most of the day just to get this out and I have a chapter to revise. At least I have that to go on. Maybe there will be more tomorrow. Wish me luck.

Quote of the Day: I'd rather be caught holding up a bank than stealing so much as a two-word phrase from another writer. ~Jack Smith